Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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