You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize