Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Congratulations! We have a period
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