I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
