He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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