I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
