He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
