I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
