If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
