He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
