I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
