'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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