I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
