What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
