he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
