Ambien. No doubt about it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
