The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
