Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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