He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
