It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
