got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
