We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
