i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
