You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
