I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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