I wish life had little blips of pornography
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
