I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
