The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
