I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
