im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
