You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
