is wine microwaveable?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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