When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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