It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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