He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
