I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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