I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
