Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
