Got a toothbrush?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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