Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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