Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
