How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
