you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
