I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
