My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize