Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize