it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
false alarm. still invincible.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
