If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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