Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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