"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
