i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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