I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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