god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
