I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Houston, we have a blender
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
