If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
