I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You need a sexual gate keeper
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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