we're chasing vodka with high fives
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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