all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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