she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
