Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
