he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize