I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
