i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
