dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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